She is in my trunk
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
