so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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