Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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