im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
