I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize