i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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