I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
