god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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