I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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