Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
