you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
