I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize