Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
