He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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