This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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