My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
