I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is wine microwaveable?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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