i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
