they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
