I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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