Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
