so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
