If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
