I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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