I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
