I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
