I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
