she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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