Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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