i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
