Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
