He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
