shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i came on her dog
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
