Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
