i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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