Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
