so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
someone owes me an orgasm
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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