filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
did i just pee glitter
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
