Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize