Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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