I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
