This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
