I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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