Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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