Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
