She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize