Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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