I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
