wrigley field is MILF paradise
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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