i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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