I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
