I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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