He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
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