I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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