That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
