I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
