i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
