We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Drunk is a universal language darling
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
