she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
