her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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