watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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