I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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