I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
